In which I muse on men

As regular readers of this blog know, on November 30, I turned in Silent on the Moor. I loved writing that book, LOVED IT, but I was unspeakably relieved to be done with it. And it turns out I am QUITE done; my editor does not want revisions. SQUEEEEEE!! In fact, I am done with anything resembling real work for a few weeks until decisions are made regarding what I will be writing next. Initially, it seemed rather certain that the fourth book in my contract would be a departure from the series, but now the pendulum appears to be swinging the other way and I may go straight into book four.

Anyway, in preparation for writing a book outside the Julia Grey series, I have been reading books on attraction, dating, flirtation, body language, and even--I shudder to admit--pickup manuals. Like astrology books, these books attempt to explain the inexplicable: why are specific human beings attracted to one another? Interestingly, many of the books contradict each other. (Try reading "Why Men Love Bitches" right before you move on to "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You". Your head will explode.) Every book I've read has been interesting from a theoretical perspective, but I wonder how well they work in real life. These books are complicated. They are full of rules and caveats, and I have to wonder how the average person is supposed to keep it all straight. One book in particular was devoted to photographs of women in provocative poses that men are supposed to interpret correctly, down to which direction she glances after she's talked to you. Now, I can recognize a broad eyebrow flash as well as the next girl, but when it comes down to monitoring whether you've held eye contact for 60% of the conversation or 75%, I lose my will to live. How is ANYONE supposed to remember opening lines, body language cues, attraction signals, conversational gambits, neurolinguistic programming techniques, and STILL carry on a moderately engaging conversation?

Of course, after having read a few pickup manuals, if I were a single woman, I would be inclined to hide under my sofa and bar the door. They were simply AWFUL. I read them because I intend to write a male character who is a bit of a Casanova, and I needed to understand a man who is driven to sleep with many different women. What I really needed was a Silkwood scrubdown after reading them. The fact that there are men out there who actually read and use those books to score just boggles the mind. (What sort of woman allows herself to be "negged"? I watched "The Pickup Artist" on VH-1, I admit, so I already understood the principle. An insecure man bolsters his confidence by giving a backhanded compliment to a beautiful woman to DELIBERATELY prick her self-esteem and send her insecurities into overdrive. I still don't understand how it works. My initial reaction would be to dislike HIM, not myself.)

I scurried away from those books as fast as my little stiletto'd feet would carry me and moved on to a pickup manual written for men by a woman. Interestingly, unlike the male authors who NEVER make mention of the fact that men are at an evolutionary disadvantage in mating rituals, she offered some interesting statistics. She claimed that out of 31 men, 30 will read a woman incorrectly. I read 80% in another book, but I don't think either number is out of the ballpark. What both authors state is that, on average, a man will engage in conversation with a friendly, attractive woman and assume she wants to have sex with him. And the vast majority of the time, he will be WRONG. What we women think of as innocent flirtation, they often wildly misread as verbal foreplay. (If you ponder the ramifications of that for just a moment, we women really ought to stop talking to men altogether. Apparently, we are misleading them HORRIBLY. No wonder they are so often surprised and devastated by the "Let's just be friends" speech we learned in first grade.)

According to behaviorists, the ability of the female to read body language far more successfully than our male counterparts goes back to the days when they were out bashing wild beasts on the head and dragging them back to the cave. We were busy tending the babies, the elderly, and the sick, tasks that are rendered infinitely easier if you can understand the needs of someone who cannot give voice to them. We have evolved since then, but not so much that we have lost the ability to sense the desires of those around us, even the unspoken ones. (I was astonished to find that the most sexualized creature on the entire planet is apparently the female human. We are the only animal with the ability to mate before reaching full maturity, after losing fertility, while already impregnated, and with no eye to conception at all. Really, I would have thought at least the bonobos would have us beat.)

But for all our intuitive empathy, for all our robust sexuality, it is in fact men who are really the most romantic gender. Surprised? I was. One author, with plenty of footnoted studies to back up her claims, stated the following:

*The majority of breakups are not initiated by men.

*Men are three times likelier to commit suicide following a breakup than women.

*While 80% of women cannot reply affirmatively that they are in love after the 20th date, the average man is in love by the FOURTH date.

I don't know why, but that seems terribly sweet. I know, it's not sweet at ALL if you're sitting by the phone waiting for the guy who took you out last weekend to CALL ALREADY, but there is something oddly touching about these big, strong men falling so quickly and so irrevocably. A psychic once told me that my lead male characters would always be the most passionately beloved by my readers, and I hope so. Men are an endlessly fascinating subject, don't you think?

Comments

[kristen]

hmmm, I have 1 or 2 of old Mars & Venus books collecting dust from when I was single.
I think he's mostly full of crap tho. (Did you know John Grey is divorced from Barbara DiAngeles-- another "marriage & relationship" writer... too funny.)
I actually bought "The Rules" for fun, it was hideous. I probably have them buried somewhere if you want to borrow them for research purposes.

I think if you want to watch mating behaviors at human primal worst/best you need to watch VH1's "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels if they still have re-runs. I watched that over the summer when I had time off for surgery. Reality TV at its finest.

[Deanna]

Just watching the previews of that made me want to dip myself in antibacterial soap. (You are a braver woman than I. I couldn't even bring myself to pick "The Rules" up off the shelf.)

[kristen]

my sister got me hooked on Rock of Love.
It was so supremely bad, that I was instantly addicted. Women instantly "in love" with someone they didn't know, all sorts of behaviour to decieve, undermine etc. I can only hope they all had a huge stash of condoms & antibiotics on hand. There was a classic quote tho from one of the women on the after show saying she didn't want to sleep w/ him because she heard he had slept w/ one of the skankier ones & didn't want to follow "that". So in spite of barfing on television & acting like a complete moron, at least she had a shread of moral fiber.

[EricK]

Those three statistics you mention near the end of your post seem to point to men being more desperate and insecure rather than more romantic.

They don't initiate breakups because they can't stand to be alone. They commit suicide following breakups because they are too weak to deal with emotional pain. They fall in love after 4 dates because they desperately need someone to fulfill them.

Hmmm. Maybe it's desperation and insecurity that lead to romantic actions.

[Deanna]

Eric, you're so hard on your own kind! Perhaps they fall in love less often, but when they do, they fall harder?

[Kristy K]

As a single woman, I do often hide under my sofa and bar the door.

I knew a guy who was the king of that backhanded compliment stuff. Just like you I was inclined not to like HIM. He said I was the first girl who ever responded that way! Genuine shock.

I guess he benefitted from my advice since the girl he dated after me is now his fiance. She should thank me for giving him a tutorial.

[danae]

hmm. my best girlfriend and I have a collection of books we call 'the vault'. It includes such classics as 'Get Serious About Getting Married' and 'How to Marry the Man You Want', not to mention the Dr Phil books on the subject and 'He's Just Not That Into You' (I dare you to read that one last).

Perhaps none of them work, but we've hung on to them, taking turns at having custody (keeping them well hidden of course). One day I'll really Get Serious, Get Real, Get Married etc, but I suspect i am armed and dangerous, rather than forewarned.

oh, there's a great book on the evolution of sexual politics called 'Sex Time and Power' by that guy who wrote 'The Alphabet and the Goddess'. According to this guy, the Way Things Are evolved out of woman's need for iron (because we bleed) - men have been trading meat for sex for eons. Yikes. I'm a vegetarian.

[EricK]

Sorry Deanna, I probably sounded crabby. I'm only hard on them because sometimes they deserve it. Sometimes I'm they make me embarrassed to be one when I hear some of the things they say and see some of the things they do(when women aren't around).
I suppose they do fall harder too. I read somewhere that more men tend to be at the extremes of emotional scales while more women tend to be more in the middle.

[Deanna]

You can be as crabby as you like, Eric. Your perspective is bound to be completely different from mine--I'm not privy to locker room talk, for starters! Personally, I love men. They open doors for me and kill bugs. What's not to love?

[Elizabeth Morrow]

Speaking of romantic men and how we adore them, you might want to include the following in your research. It is the brain bleach to the dating manuals/shows. Be sure to have a box of tissues handy. :)

http://www.projecteverlasting.com