Blog A Go-Go

In which People Magazine does it again

People Magazine has just released its list of 2008's Hottest Bachelors. Naturally we applaud them for including Gerard Butler. Honestly, what's not to love there? But much of the list is debatable. Especially the inclusion of Bret Michaels. BRET MICHAELS, people--a man so skeevy I need a Silkwood scrubdown just from watching the promos for "Rock of Love". I'm just saying, as a nation I think we can do better. Read the rest for yourself here: http://www.accesshollywood.com/gallery/1437/peoples-hottest-bachelors-2008/?__source=omg 

In which beards are back

According to this article in Time, beards are making a comeback, and can I just say, I KNEW IT! I've been noticing more and more facial hair recently. From Tom Petty at the Super Bowl to New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, a growing number of men are ditching their razors in favor of short, neatly-trimmed beards. I'm hugely in favor of this trend, for a number of reasons:

*No more soul patches. If one guy is sporting a full set of whiskers, the guy next to him with the soul patch will look inadequate and small. Women will pity him and he will be forced, for the sake of his own self-respect, to shave it or grow it ALL out. And thus will end one of the STUPIDEST trends in facial hair EVER.

*It camouflages a multitude of sins. Tom Petty and Bill Richardson are both cases in point. By masking Tom Petty's rather delicate chin and Bill Richardson's tendency toward jowliness, the beard manages to both fill in and cover up--it's a hairy miracle. The result is that both of them look more masculine.

*The trend is for short, neatly-trimmed beards. This encourages regular and attentive grooming. Only the guys with properly-barbered beards are going to look good. Those  who insist on growing it out to their knees or WORSE YET, letting it grow down their necks and into their chest hair, are going to be exposed for the lazy gits they are.

*It's different. The beard manages to set a man apart as an individualist since the vast majority of American men don't wear them. (Of course, that won't last long if this trend catches on. But still, we'll remember who had them first.)

The only drawback is that they are tricky to navigate when you're kissing. I speak from experience. My husband had one for more than a year and there was CHAFING, people. Oddly enough, his present employer will allow him to have a beard, but he isn't allowed to GROW one. There is a ban against the "growing out phase", so if he wants to wear one again, he'll have to take a vacation, not shave for a few weeks, then go back to work fully bearded. The good news there is that I will have sufficient warning if he plans on growing it out to stock up on conditioner. The only way to kiss a man with a beard is if he conditions it FAITHFULLY in the shower. It gets much silkier and helps to prevent beard burn, which is NOT A GOOD LOOK for any woman. Trust me--I've got the pictures.

In which I am biased

I love Texas boys best of all, I make no secret of it. They are some of the most charming, chivalrous, adorable men you would ever want to meet. They are competent, generous, and still conduct most of their business deals with a handshake because a man's word means something. Read this bit of no-nonsense, down-home advice from Lyle Lovett and you'll see why I love them so. (And why he landed Julia Roberts.)

In which I forgive Men's Health

A few days ago I had a bit of a moan about the fact that Men's Health seems to think I'm a bit of a risk for hardcore addiction. (BTW, if the man in your life doesn't currently subscribe to Men's Health, go out and get him a subscription now. Seriously. He will thank you and you will benefit because he will suddenly be able to pick out a decent bottle of wine for under $30.) Anyway, the editor-in-chief of Men's Health, Dave Zinczenko, blogs about manly things, usually the male perspective on relationships, which--as a female writer--I find DEEPLY interesting. Much has been made of the fact that Jane Austen never wrote a scene with only two male characters, allegedly because she felt out of her depth in creating conversations the like of which she had never been privy to.

I know the feeling. I am FOREVER asking my husband random questions because I am longing to know how men think. (Our conversation about whether men really think about sex every 53 seconds will go down in our marriage as a CLASSIC.) I devour relationship books, trying to suss the nature of men. I observe. In a nutshell, after twenty years' worth of close scrutiny, I can tell you their nature is uncomplicated and direct and far less difficult than we like to think. I have learned that when you ask a man what he's thinking about and he says, "The game," he is THINKING ABOUT THE GAME. I have learned what to say to man to make him happy.*  Men are blissfully easy to get along with for the most part, and I say, God bless 'em, because we women have enough trouble getting along with each other.

And now, Dave Zinczenko has codified what I always suspected about the male attitude toward marriage into four succinct points he calls "Marriage Makers". They are:

1. (In)dependence. While picking out bathroom tile with you has GOT to be the thrill of his week, throw him a bone and tell him to go play poker with his friends. (If he's not a poker player, insert "hunt, play a pick-up game of basketball, shoot pool, water ballet," whatever gets him going. Bottom line is, he shouldn't have to give up everything about being a guy just because he's half of a couple.)

2. Adoring, yet not needy. He wants you to want him, but not need him for every damn thing. This means when you need a knight in shining armor, he'll be happy to saddle up the trusty steed, but don't come to him for EVERYTHING. If you've got a flat in the driveway, change it yourself. If you've got a flat on the side of the highway, call him. (I am told this is a risky proposition because some men prefer to have a woman who can't loosen a lug nut. I defer to the men on this one. Feel free to register your opinion on the issue in the comments.)

3. An imaginative mind. You need interests, aside from him, and preferably, a way to make money of your own. If you're a SAHM, read a newspaper or Salon.com or Bee Woman Magazine and keep up with your hobbies. (Your children are NOT a hobby.) To quote Dave, "Men are very turned on by women who have big goals, big dreams, and big imaginations--whether they're career-oriented or not." Of course they do. Would we want a partner whose conversation was limited to bodily functions or the state of the laundry? Neither do they.

4. Jekyll & Hyde. Okay, this one he couched in a nice paragraph, but I can sum it up for you in two words: Madonna/whore. We're all familiar, and as cliched as it is, it's cliched because it's TRUE. I've never met a man who said either, "Gosh, I can't STAND when I get a good, homecooked meal because being well-fed is such a pain," or "I really like it best when Debbie just lays there with the lights off. It's such a TURN-ON." (Having said that, I should point out that cooking can set a dangerous precedent, and should only be undertaken with extreme caution and a mutual understanding that whoever cooks does NOT do the dishes.)

So, Dave has confirmed what I suspected all along: guys want to be needed, they want to be loved, they want a companion--an independent woman who can do her own thing and still want to be with him. Works for me. (But I'm still not writing scenes between two men. If Jane Austen didn't feel capable, I certainly don't.)

*Any of the following phrases will do: "No, you take the remote. The Spurs have a playoff game tonight." "I'm not hungry. Do you want the last carton of Phish Food?" "I'm not into girls, but that chick had really nice breasts." Conversely, the following phrases should NEVER be uttered: "Where do you see this relationship going?" "Do you like my mother?" "Does this make my ass look big?" "Am I pretty when I cry?"